It’s funny how the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. In this marriage restoration journey, I’m struggling with my own desires. I will be honest: I don’t *want* to be married. I’m in this relationship, not because of any desire for my husband, not for any desire for the benefits of marriage, but simply because I know it is the right thing to do.

I find myself daydreaming about the times I was a single parent. I recall the good things…not the difficulties and downright exhaustion. And I can’t quite seem to remember why I got married in the first place.

I’ve been trying to think back to a prayer letter I had written, shortly before I met my husband. I had listed what I wanted in a man, and why I wanted this relationship. My husband seemed like God’s answer to this prayer.

I remember asking for someone I could share everything with, a best friend. Oddly enough, I struggle with being open, honest and vulnerable. I had requested someone to work with and to take some of the decision-making burden from me. Of course, working as a team and letting some else lead are two more areas where I am weak, and fight to let go. I wanted a man who would be strong spiritually and with Biblical knowledge — but I’m so used to being the “encyclopedia” in any relationship and the one with the answers, the teacher, that I end up competing instead of learning, and resenting someone who is just as knowledgable as I.

Ok, I get it. I got what I wanted, or at least I would have what I wanted, if I would relax and get out of my own way to enjoy God’s blessing. But I got it.. And I don’t want it.

Why do I have to make it so hard for myself?

I wanted consideration and sensitivity to my needs… I’m always surprised when my husband tries to ease my day, or complements me, which in turn frustrates him, into thinking he doesn’t do it enough (and maybe he doesn’t? I don’t know), but I think it’s more that I don’t value my own contribution enough to be accepting of appreciation.

I wanted companionship… And yet I find I resent the intrusion into my space or inconvenience of having to pay attention to someone else. Boy, am I selfish!

God definitely has a sense of humor. He answered my prayer — and gave me just what I needed. It seems it’s my attitude that needs adjustment! I need to stop seeing the past through rose-colored glasses, and see my future for what it is: exactly what I had dreamed of, 6 years ago. Assuming that the trust can be rebuilt, and we can each adjust to the other, learn healthier communication patterns, and repair the damage that had been done over the last two years, that is, I will have my heart’s desire.

I want a family, with a teammate not a roommate, a partner not a coworker, a friend not a forced companion. And if I can be all these things to my husband, perhaps I’ll want what I get: a marriage.

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