One of the verses I have clung to in this long journey of mine is Proverbs 3:5-6 — “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Commit all your ways to Him and He shall direct your paths.” Along with this one: “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) I’ve maintained all along that I really don’t know the “desires of my heart,” but this verse is one of my life verses because it implies that, even when I don’t, as long as I rely on God’s direction, He does, and He will give me what I most want.

I think I might have figured out what I most want, or at least part of it. It’s kind of ironic, as it is in the first part of the verse. I want to trust. I want someone that I can implicitly trust, say anything without self-censoring, and not have to guard against, because I am so confident that they would never hurt me deliberately, and would always, always consider what was best for *us*, and our family.

This is what I want, the innermost longings of my self, the “desires of my heart”: intimate, implicit, incredibly open and vulnerable trust.

I don’t think it’s possible.

I think I’m too damaged to ever trust anyone that way. I don’t think anyone is capable of loving me that unconditionally, that I would know no matter what, they wouldn’t use what I said or did against me. I don’t think anyone would care enough about me to be persistent enough to find out about me, or even try to understand me. I think I’m too sarcastic, too broken, with too much baggage and too many problems for anyone to be able to tolerate me and my quirks, let alone value me enough to consider what was best for me before even themselves.

I do not believe that the desire of my heart is possible in this world.

But I want it anyway.

Trusting in the Lord… Or at least still getting started on that..

Advertisements