The word intimacy scares the life out of me. I hear preachers and teachers talking about “be intimate with Jesus” and having “intimate conversation,” and I shy away. I’m scared of being that open.. That vulnerable.

I have always thought myself to be very, if not brutally, honest with myself. I know myself to not be outgoing, extroverted or open with others. I’m reserved, private. But privately, I don’t pretend, I don’t try to deceive myself.

As a believer, I have worshipped God from afar. I have been awed, inspired, amazed at His works, His words, His holiness. I have been grateful for His mercy, thankful for His kindness.. Surrendered to His will. I have eagerly sought to know more about Him, about His ways and what He wants from me. I have prayed so often it is like breathing to me.

You would think that I would know Him. And I do, like the eager child who tells Daddy all about her day, takes all her problems and fears.. But doesn’t truly know (or care to know) Daddy. I have that kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father.

But there is another relationship with God described in scripture – that of the Bride and Bridegroom. The kind of relationship that intertwines two lives so closely you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins. It involves knowing Jesus, the Son of God, the Lover of my soul (not God the Father, the Creator of my soul). It involves a marriage of my life to His.. And never being able to hide again.

Am I ready for this? This love so overwhelming I lose all thought of myself… I lose all control. I have touched the waters – dipped a toe in. But I feel the tsunami is coming, will overcome me… Will I drown? Maybe I’m supposed to..

I’m so scared of God’s love. I am afraid of the changes. I’ve been so lonely for so long…and then I will never be alone again.

Why am I fighting? I am afraid that if I truly let Him in, He will reject me like all the others.. Yet His word states He will never leave me, that He will always be with me, that He took all my shame and shared it.. I am afraid that He will force me to become, to do something I don’t want to.. But He never forces, just holds out a hand to lead gently, as a shepherd does a lamb. He protects and He promised a future of hope and plans to help. He also promised that He doesn’t tempt nor does He give more than we can bear.

Ok God.. I’m ready…

I can see how Jesus has been gently wooing me, enticing me closer. My prayer lately has been to learn how to pray, to learn how to trust more completely, to run all my decisions by Jesus first. I’ve realized how much I don’t even really direct my attention to Jesus, rarely using His name, even in private prayer. I have this beginning desire to read more of what He said, to delve more deeply into His Word.

I have a special calling. I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but it is a gift God gave me. I hate giving up control, but this gift requires I give up any pretense I had at doing what I wanted, and completely, utterly surrender to His use. And part of that means knowing Jesus so .. intimately … that my very thoughts are no longer mine, but His, and any word I say would be to His glory.

Will I agree to this betrothal, He asks? Will I let Him make me His, enter me, consume me with His desire, know my every sensitive and tender part? Will I share my heart, my mind, my whole life with Him?

Reluctantly, shyly, tentatively, I think.. I know I will.

I say Yes, Lord.