I don’t often post about my personal life or my kids, I know..but I want to document my journey so far into the realm of special needs.

I never thought I would have a special needs kid. If anything I thought my kids would be gifted, like I was as a child. I read early, I learned quickly, and I was advanced for most of my school years.

Enter my second-born. This little girl age 3, almost 4, is special. She responds differently to all sort of things. She screamed when I held her close, but loves to be rocked. Loud sounds terrify her, but she loves music. She loves to be around people, “talk” on the phone, but her communication skills are a year+ behind what they should be. She loves playing with her 2 year old sister, and that is reasonable, as they are developmentally at the same level.

We have some labels. We have therapists. We see pediatricians, specialists, social workers.

We celebrate every small achievement — just last night she figured out how to take off her own shirt! Yet every achievement is a reminder again of how much help she needs, of the fact that she is “not normal”.

I worry that I did and am doing something wrong. I fear that in her overwhelming neediness I neglect my other children. And I wonder if I just had enough faith she would miraculously wake up and be “normal”.

I live each day struggling to balance her needs with those of my other children. I walk the line of dealing with her problems here and now, and hoping for help, health and miracles in the (near?) future. I acknowlege that there is something wrong, yet I refuse to give up my faith that something can and will be done to help.

Above all, I love her. I know she may not ever be “fixed” (and I wonder at times if she really is broken!) but in spite of emotionally, physically, mentally draining times, or maybe because she forces me to be creative, patient and enduring – she is my child, and I love her,

Of course, this journey is still getting started..